Stumble. (a moments glance in the stream of consciousness)

why can we never be content? and if we are right now, why is it that it never last? I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never stop thinking that i can do better- that there's always something more. I look at the notes that i've written and think about the note that im about to write, and i find the disparity between moods were just too disconcerting. two profoundly different moods, caused by the same root, all within the week. This cant be good.

Classical music always keep me calm.

Antonin Dvorák
Kreisler: Russian And Slavonic Miniatures
Symphony No. 9 In E Minor ("From The New World"), B. 178 (Op. 95)
(First Published As No. 5): II. Largo
performed by: Nicolas Koeckert


I wish I could just see a situation and instantaneously learn the outcome. I'd gladly trade the "joy" surprises with the ability to know if situations will point to my favor or whether im wasting my time or not. ...hearing that just says a lot about me doesn't it?

you wouldn't know me enough to be sure.
and if you do, im thoroughly impressed. cause even i cant say.

I dont like being thrown out of balance. but thats how i feel right now.
I want to be in control of the situations that im in- thats understandable isnt it?
not in the maniacal-controlling way -of any minute and of any time, but in a- I put myself in this situation, and god damn it if i dont know what the hell im doing. -kind of control. I think this might be deeply rooted in my fear of regret. its the "theres not anything that i regret as of this moment, but i hope to god that i never do." -kind of fear. I think thats also why im super indecisive... which then leds itself to why i procrastinate. So- tell me if im wrong, but i think where im getting at here is that all the stress /personality defects come from the one and only "keep all your options open" rule. all because i refuse to have regrets... and why do i fear regret? - because its a step backwards, not forwards, because i dont like losing out on something, on lost opportunity,-- of staying where i am. because of the fear of being stuck in one place of my life. of being left behind by everybody else. of those i love.
I look at this, and i see that..maybe- my life is propelled by fear. and it makes me wonder if its the same for other people too.

Are we all driven by fear of some sort of the other?

look at it in the perspective for animals: the fear to being eaten, or of starvation= of death: leads to their survival, just as the fear of extinction of one species leads procreation. leading a life stumbling after mere existance. even that is purposeful. but somehow living just to live, just doesnt cut it.

There's a very distinct line between living and existing. and i want to be in the greener side of the fence. -what ever that means.

So human life being driven by fear. applied to society? tangent: isnt that what first created societies anyway? people were so afraid of being alone in and of the untamed facets nature that they gathered together in fear in their little tribes as a type of protection- a move towards survival. wouldnt that mean that we would have to start viewing society as a survival mechanism rather than some great evil/ purveyor of conformism?

but by rejecting society, could in turn be interpreted as relinquishing your fear that would require being a part of society in the first place. then could be looked at as a type of freedom from your primal fear and the constraints of society that would other wise suppress your true, raw, primal heacceity.

would we still have personalities if there was no society to influence the outcome?